Monday, May 27, 2013,
"You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. You're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. You just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong. For once you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping, still wishing. And you're staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes." I honestly don't know what to say or rather, how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I've improved yes but it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I promise that I've already worked hard but I still see no results and today's happening has confirmed that. At times like this, I start to think if I was maybe born to be stupid because no matter how hard I've been working, it just dosen't click. It just isn't working. Why? Why am I like that? Why can't I be smart? I know of people who are born geniuses but often took their gift for granted . Why not give such a born-gift to people who really wants it? Give it to someone who will make use of it and strive to do better? I've told my parents and all they say is just,"You've done your best. Try harder next time." The question is, how many 'next time' are there in life? My major exam is in October and I only have one more prelim to sit for before it's the real deal. There are too little 'next times'. It's now or never. I know my parents just don't want to add on stress and burdern by not scolding and lecturing me because they know how hard this is for me too. However, because of this, I give myself additional pressure. I wanted to prove to my parents that it is possible for your daughter to do well without much scolding from them. But is it really possible? I feel terrible. It's as if I've hit the bottom of my education life. I know I shouldn't feel this way because I know there is still time to catch up if I work 10 times harder than i use too. Question is, I'm starting to doubt myself if it's really possible for me to do well. I've been trying to look at this matter in a optimistic way but truth is,i'm just trying to make myself feel better. People to see me as a cheerful and optimistic girl and today, someone asked me, " Aren't you worried about your results?" Of course I do. I just don't show it. In other words, I'm just putting up a brave front. In fact, I'm going through a really hard time and I am having a battle within.I'm tired and desperate. I don't know where to go from now. Help anyone. I need to swim ashore. I need to stop myself from drowning--there is barely enough air for me to breathe....
~Dreaming is believing~
2:02 AM